Why can’t I sleep, why can’t I write?

Up at 4:30a. Why can’t I sleep?

Sleeping often means conversations with Dad in my dreams, conversations where he tells me his death makes sense and I say, “But wait, wait! Listen to ME!”

Sleeping also means wrestling between dreams with church problems - conflicts with people, the difficulty of getting things done, the frustrations of having the same conversations month-by-month, the pressures of money, the loss (or temporary departure?) of my idealism.

Why can’t I write? Because right now I tend to see only two topics: 1) Ordinary life, which tastes like ashes on my tongue, and 2) Death/grief, which, well, what is there to say, you know?

June 13, 2007 · Filed Under Life

Comments

3 Responses to “Why can’t I sleep, why can’t I write?”

  1. Marsha on June 13th, 2007 6:24 am

    I would have a hard time relating to you as my minister if you weren’t grieving.
    It’s necessary. I hope no one ever tells you it isn’t.
    Your honesty about who you are has always earned my respect.

  2. sumgirl on June 13th, 2007 7:06 am

    i love that you are human but sorry that being human pretty much sucks. i hope you find some clarity. or rest. or both.

  3. Sam Clark on June 13th, 2007 8:07 am

    I can’t begin to imagine the pressure you are under. I appreciate your writing very much but right now a picture of many of us who respect you and care for you sitting in our far-off chairs grieving your loss as we have grieved our own is the picture I hope you can imagine for a moment. The richness and the depth of life felt in grief mirrors the Father’s heart.

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